Friday, July 18, 2003
Introduction Part Two
I thought I’d take a minute to explain more about the life of this mystic chick. For those of you who don’t know me, I have a background as a psychic counselor. I used to make frequent appearances on FM radio stations across the US, so you may have heard me at some point doing readings and fending off venomous, slathering deejays on the air. (although many of them were nice.) You may also have seen me on TV shows like Sightings or Real Scary Stories, where I offered my insights as a professional ghostbuster. (“Yup, looks like ya gots yerself a ghostie there.”)
I did psychic readings for ten years, but now I write full-time and teach on metaphysical subjects. I’ve written for tons of websites, mostly astrology stuff, and I’ve been a columnist for magazines like Boy Crazy, Total Fitness, Spa, and Joey.
These days I am focusing on something that has become more and more important to me over the years. I have always functioned as sort of a “Dear Abby” of the New Age. Since I was a little girl, people have always been asking me questions like, “How do I clear out a ghost?” “Are angels real?” and “What’s the best way to meditate?”
At this point, I’ve worked with thousands of people, fielding their questions and trying to inspire them with information that is user-friendly, fun, and real. I’m hoping to pull together those questions in one place so that more people can make use of the ideas I present. This blog is a starting point.
I invite you to send me your own questions about “New Age” and spiritual subjects, and I might answer them here on this blog. I am also planning to put a book together at some point that will respond to these subjects. Please note that, if you send me something, I reserve the right to post it here or publish it, and I also reserve the right to edit it -- just for grammar and readability, not for content. (That’s the Virgo editor in me speaking. You’ll have to put up with her from time to time.) I can post it with your contact info or do it anonymously, whichever you might prefer.
Some of the questions that I will be responding to run along the lines of:
What is the meaning of our dreams? If I suddenly find myself at work in a dream, and I’m completely naked, does this mean that an office orgy is in the offing? (And, more importantly, will I have enough time to work out at the gym before attending this orgy?)
Are psychic abilities really all that common, or are they only accessible to scary mediums like the (frequently face-lifted) Sylvia Browne or the all-too-perky John Edwards? And do I really need to learn how to talk to the dead, anyway? I mean, I detested my smelly, mustachioed Aunt Bertha while she was alive. Do I really want her bitching at me from beyond the grave?
If love and light are the keys to enlightenment, why are so many White Lighters depressed and on medication? Why are so many of them single or members of cultish movements? Why are so many of them unable to take care of themselves, in one form or another? Given what they’re experiencing, enlightenment seems over-rated!
Holistic health techniques might work, but they are very weird-sounding to someone who doesn’t understand them. Why would I want to lie down naked on a table and have some strange man (or woman) rub me all over? What are the benefits of that? Isn’t that what a spouse is for?
Why do astrology columns seem so bogus? Are all of those clichés about the signs accurate? What if I’m a sloppy Virgo or a Scorpio who isn’t oversexed – does that make me a mutant?
Is the world of Harry Potter simply an analogy for occult initiation? What’s occult initiation? Can people really cast spells? Should people cast spells? Can I turn my ex-boyfriend into a slug? (Oh, wait, he was already one in the first place.)
Please send me your funky questions and comments. I’ll answer some by email, and others might show up on this blogger.
More soon. Email me:
astrologywriter@comcast.net
I thought I’d take a minute to explain more about the life of this mystic chick. For those of you who don’t know me, I have a background as a psychic counselor. I used to make frequent appearances on FM radio stations across the US, so you may have heard me at some point doing readings and fending off venomous, slathering deejays on the air. (although many of them were nice.) You may also have seen me on TV shows like Sightings or Real Scary Stories, where I offered my insights as a professional ghostbuster. (“Yup, looks like ya gots yerself a ghostie there.”)
I did psychic readings for ten years, but now I write full-time and teach on metaphysical subjects. I’ve written for tons of websites, mostly astrology stuff, and I’ve been a columnist for magazines like Boy Crazy, Total Fitness, Spa, and Joey.
These days I am focusing on something that has become more and more important to me over the years. I have always functioned as sort of a “Dear Abby” of the New Age. Since I was a little girl, people have always been asking me questions like, “How do I clear out a ghost?” “Are angels real?” and “What’s the best way to meditate?”
At this point, I’ve worked with thousands of people, fielding their questions and trying to inspire them with information that is user-friendly, fun, and real. I’m hoping to pull together those questions in one place so that more people can make use of the ideas I present. This blog is a starting point.
I invite you to send me your own questions about “New Age” and spiritual subjects, and I might answer them here on this blog. I am also planning to put a book together at some point that will respond to these subjects. Please note that, if you send me something, I reserve the right to post it here or publish it, and I also reserve the right to edit it -- just for grammar and readability, not for content. (That’s the Virgo editor in me speaking. You’ll have to put up with her from time to time.) I can post it with your contact info or do it anonymously, whichever you might prefer.
Some of the questions that I will be responding to run along the lines of:
What is the meaning of our dreams? If I suddenly find myself at work in a dream, and I’m completely naked, does this mean that an office orgy is in the offing? (And, more importantly, will I have enough time to work out at the gym before attending this orgy?)
Are psychic abilities really all that common, or are they only accessible to scary mediums like the (frequently face-lifted) Sylvia Browne or the all-too-perky John Edwards? And do I really need to learn how to talk to the dead, anyway? I mean, I detested my smelly, mustachioed Aunt Bertha while she was alive. Do I really want her bitching at me from beyond the grave?
If love and light are the keys to enlightenment, why are so many White Lighters depressed and on medication? Why are so many of them single or members of cultish movements? Why are so many of them unable to take care of themselves, in one form or another? Given what they’re experiencing, enlightenment seems over-rated!
Holistic health techniques might work, but they are very weird-sounding to someone who doesn’t understand them. Why would I want to lie down naked on a table and have some strange man (or woman) rub me all over? What are the benefits of that? Isn’t that what a spouse is for?
Why do astrology columns seem so bogus? Are all of those clichés about the signs accurate? What if I’m a sloppy Virgo or a Scorpio who isn’t oversexed – does that make me a mutant?
Is the world of Harry Potter simply an analogy for occult initiation? What’s occult initiation? Can people really cast spells? Should people cast spells? Can I turn my ex-boyfriend into a slug? (Oh, wait, he was already one in the first place.)
Please send me your funky questions and comments. I’ll answer some by email, and others might show up on this blogger.
More soon. Email me:
astrologywriter@comcast.net
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Some people don’t like the bawdy humor that I bring to my weekly syndicated astrology column. I’m not quite sure why, since the places that it appears in are usually Village Voice type weeklies who feature salacious ads for transvestite call girls and lascivious “dating” services in their back ad pages. Surely, in this context, a little potty humor shouldn’t be viewed as so outlandish?
But this winter, a newspaper in North Carolina received a deluge of hate mail in response to my column. The editor had dared to make a switch from Rob Brezsny’s column (which has been around forever) to mine. This was more than many readers could tolerate.
Take a look at how one reader called my column “a crime against humanity.”
http://www.mountainx.com/opinion/2003/0521letters.php
Brezsny! Brezsny! Brezsny!
Thank you for switching back to Brezsny! Again you demonstrate and support my faith that this is the best newspaper in North Carolina.
Some of Shepherd's crass statements were absolutely gut-wrenching. The fact that she is perfect for a crime publication says it all – i.e., another crime against humanity (hers).
Humor that includes compassion and understanding (Brezsny's) has it all.
Thanks much.
– Lois Harte, Asheville
[Ed. Note: On March 5, Mountain Xpress switched syndicated astrology columns, from Rob Brezsny's Real World Astrology to Jennifer Shepherd's Cosmic Butt Kick. Based on reader response, we switched back to Brezsny on May 7. Shepherd's column now appears in Snitch, a Louisville, Ky.-based crime weekly.]
Usually, any publicity is good publicity, but, in this case, the editor caved and nixed my column.
A week or two later, it was immediately picked up by several papers who, far from thinking it a crime against humanity, actually thought it was pretty good.
I’m wondering which references this reader objected to. Maybe you can find them in this re-posted column from March. I’m sure several phrases put her knickers in a twist.
The Cosmic Butt Kick
Syndicated Horoscopes for Week of Wednesday, March 5 – Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Aries: Saturn has had you under a cosmic jinx since last October, generating some major episodes of cluelessness. It’s no surprise that, during this period, you became convinced that you couldn’t live without a feather boa or a tattoo dedicated to someone named “Ricki” (whose phone number you can’t even locate at this point.) Fortunately, Saturn recently shifted into a more positive position. It will take a while for you to reconstruct that hip persona. (For several weeks, you’ll still be convinced that Grammy-winner Norah Jones must be Jenny Jones’ daughter.) But, gradually, you’ll see improvement.
Taurus: As an Earth sign, you are addicted to routines. But it ain’t sexy when your partner can anticipate every move you are about to make in the bedroom. If your lover has recently been shouting out a bewildering assortment of names during coitus, and none of them belongs to you, you’d better learn to improvise real quick. The Moon’s lusty trine to Venus will give you an extra dose of inspiration. Speed-read the Kama Sutra and memorize positions like “The Garden Hose” or “The Flowing Fountain.” (No, wait a minute. I said Kama Sutra, not The Home Improvement Manual.)
Gemini: With a second quarter Moon in your sign, you’re at the mid-point in making a decision. Perhaps you have just about decided to have that sex change operation, after all. Or maybe you’ve given up on finding a job and are preparing to register for graduate school – again. You might even consider making a romantic commitment to that luscious someone who has been keeping you wet and wild all winter. You’ll finalize this decision about the same time that Ben Affleck marries J’Lo (that is, maybe never. Check with your publicist come springtime.)
Cancer: You’ve always been known as the emotional type. Renditions of the national anthem make you weep with fervent patriotism. The hokey feel-good endings of The Bachelorette and Joe Millionaire caused you to empty the Kleenex aisle at the store. And, during the recent slew of Michael Jackson specials, you truly felt The Gloved One’s pain. The Sun in sensitive Pisces is giving you an especially thin skin. For another week or so, it’s best to avoid the 24 Hour Terror Channels (CNN, Fox, and the like) – unless you enjoy being the victim of blatant emotional manipulation.
Leo: You tend to take your relationships at face value. You exhibit dizzying levels of trust, even when they aren’t deserved. But with Venus opposite Jupiter, you could find yourself questioning a loved one’s sincerity. Is Horny Hal acting less horny? Could this be because he is seeing somebody else? Or is Touchy-Feely Tina suddenly shying away from your touch and, if so, then who’s been feeling her up? Although you could be worried that your honey has become The Young and the Restless, you’ve probably got nothing to worry about. (Astrologer’s disclaimer: Please note that I said “probably.”)
Virgo: This week, Uranus moves opposite your sign, which is a polite way of saying that things will feel ass-backwards. You could have an unsettled feeling, as if your usual, down-to-earth style no longer suits you. As Uranus journeys through sensual Pisces over the next seven years, start cultivating a more decadent attitude. Learn to schedule champagne brunches with clients. Adopt strenuous sex as a fitness regimen instead of dull aerobics class. If you’re continuing your education, balance Accounting 101 with whimsical subjects like feng shui or bonsai cultivation. Mix business with pleasure, and success can be yours.
Libra: Lately, you’ve been feeling like a star forced to attend yet another awards show (yawn), or a barista making his 3000th latte. Routine of any kind has grown confining. The Moon is hooking up with Saturn in whimsical Gemini, bringing about an eleventh hour rescue. Maybe Spielberg will call and insist that he needs you immediately on a movie set in Tahiti. Or that corporate recruiter could notify you that Company X, with the excellent benefits, killer work hours, and drop dead gorgeous boss is eager to hire you at an unbelievable salary. (Pinch me. I must be dreaming.)
Scorpio: Juno, the asteroid of relationship fidelity, is going retrograde in your sign. This means that, just when you had gotten comfortable with a current relationship, you could have a dose of panic. You specialize in paranoia, anyway, but don’t make a 911 call to Dr. Phil just yet. You’re not Lisa-Marie Presley and Nicholas Cage or Billy Bob Thorton and Angelina Jolie. Things haven’t yet reached the place of no return. Sure, your romance might need a little tweaking, but a nice bottle of cabernet, some massage oil, and a seductive CD could work wonders.
Sagittarius: A social climber has always lived inside of you. You envied Marla Maples (back when she was still married to The Donald.) And you’ve long admired Tom Arnold’s approach to success (“Bed the fat woman and get a career out of it.”) This week, the Sun is square networker Pluto, skewing your ability to form helpful contacts. If you’re not careful, Robert Blake will call for a date or O.J. Simpson might decide that you are the gorgeous blonde he has been looking for all of his life. Invest in running shoes and get out of a fishy situation, fast.
Capricorn: Since Mars moved into your sign, you’ve been ready to serve up a big can of whoopass on somebody. You want to rip that arrogant boss a new bunghole, or you’re eager to bomb somebody back to the Stone Age. But with a sensitive Moon opposite Mars, it’s best to consider how the other guy feels. Maybe your boss only acts like a prick because he is lacking one of his own. Or perhaps that overseas nation isn’t really as heavily armed with weapons of mass destruction as the pundits would have you believe. Temper severity with compassion.
Aquarius: As a sign who possesses strong intuition, you’re always clued into cosmic vibes. You can predict Oscar winners with ease. You always know which team will kick butt at the Super Bowl. And you have an uncanny ability to sense when a lover is about to lob one of those dangerous questions your way (“Do these bellbottoms make me look fat?” “You like listening to John Tesh as much as I do, right?”) With Venus conjunct Neptune, your psychic abilities will be magnified times ten. Just go ahead and change your name to Miss Cleo or Jonathan Edward already.
Pisces: This week, Uranus enters your sign, which sounds more painful than it really is. You’ll feel more confident than ever that your grand plans will come to fruition. Surely, you’ll soon find an investor to back your magnificent business plan. (After all, selling belly button lint over the Internet is a can’t-miss concept!) And, even if your last date was back when Michael Jackson had a normal nose, you’ll realize that you still possess considerable charms. (Who can resist a dating profile that lists “orchid collecting” and “badger sniffing” as favorite hobbies?) A positive attitude is everything.
Jennifer Shepherd (astrologywriter@comcast.net) believes that boring horoscopes pose the greatest risk to national security.
(Editor's note: She also believes that people who are humor-impaired should be regarded as "persons of interest," i.e., suspicious characters.)
But this winter, a newspaper in North Carolina received a deluge of hate mail in response to my column. The editor had dared to make a switch from Rob Brezsny’s column (which has been around forever) to mine. This was more than many readers could tolerate.
Take a look at how one reader called my column “a crime against humanity.”
http://www.mountainx.com/opinion/2003/0521letters.php
Brezsny! Brezsny! Brezsny!
Thank you for switching back to Brezsny! Again you demonstrate and support my faith that this is the best newspaper in North Carolina.
Some of Shepherd's crass statements were absolutely gut-wrenching. The fact that she is perfect for a crime publication says it all – i.e., another crime against humanity (hers).
Humor that includes compassion and understanding (Brezsny's) has it all.
Thanks much.
– Lois Harte, Asheville
[Ed. Note: On March 5, Mountain Xpress switched syndicated astrology columns, from Rob Brezsny's Real World Astrology to Jennifer Shepherd's Cosmic Butt Kick. Based on reader response, we switched back to Brezsny on May 7. Shepherd's column now appears in Snitch, a Louisville, Ky.-based crime weekly.]
Usually, any publicity is good publicity, but, in this case, the editor caved and nixed my column.
A week or two later, it was immediately picked up by several papers who, far from thinking it a crime against humanity, actually thought it was pretty good.
I’m wondering which references this reader objected to. Maybe you can find them in this re-posted column from March. I’m sure several phrases put her knickers in a twist.
The Cosmic Butt Kick
Syndicated Horoscopes for Week of Wednesday, March 5 – Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Aries: Saturn has had you under a cosmic jinx since last October, generating some major episodes of cluelessness. It’s no surprise that, during this period, you became convinced that you couldn’t live without a feather boa or a tattoo dedicated to someone named “Ricki” (whose phone number you can’t even locate at this point.) Fortunately, Saturn recently shifted into a more positive position. It will take a while for you to reconstruct that hip persona. (For several weeks, you’ll still be convinced that Grammy-winner Norah Jones must be Jenny Jones’ daughter.) But, gradually, you’ll see improvement.
Taurus: As an Earth sign, you are addicted to routines. But it ain’t sexy when your partner can anticipate every move you are about to make in the bedroom. If your lover has recently been shouting out a bewildering assortment of names during coitus, and none of them belongs to you, you’d better learn to improvise real quick. The Moon’s lusty trine to Venus will give you an extra dose of inspiration. Speed-read the Kama Sutra and memorize positions like “The Garden Hose” or “The Flowing Fountain.” (No, wait a minute. I said Kama Sutra, not The Home Improvement Manual.)
Gemini: With a second quarter Moon in your sign, you’re at the mid-point in making a decision. Perhaps you have just about decided to have that sex change operation, after all. Or maybe you’ve given up on finding a job and are preparing to register for graduate school – again. You might even consider making a romantic commitment to that luscious someone who has been keeping you wet and wild all winter. You’ll finalize this decision about the same time that Ben Affleck marries J’Lo (that is, maybe never. Check with your publicist come springtime.)
Cancer: You’ve always been known as the emotional type. Renditions of the national anthem make you weep with fervent patriotism. The hokey feel-good endings of The Bachelorette and Joe Millionaire caused you to empty the Kleenex aisle at the store. And, during the recent slew of Michael Jackson specials, you truly felt The Gloved One’s pain. The Sun in sensitive Pisces is giving you an especially thin skin. For another week or so, it’s best to avoid the 24 Hour Terror Channels (CNN, Fox, and the like) – unless you enjoy being the victim of blatant emotional manipulation.
Leo: You tend to take your relationships at face value. You exhibit dizzying levels of trust, even when they aren’t deserved. But with Venus opposite Jupiter, you could find yourself questioning a loved one’s sincerity. Is Horny Hal acting less horny? Could this be because he is seeing somebody else? Or is Touchy-Feely Tina suddenly shying away from your touch and, if so, then who’s been feeling her up? Although you could be worried that your honey has become The Young and the Restless, you’ve probably got nothing to worry about. (Astrologer’s disclaimer: Please note that I said “probably.”)
Virgo: This week, Uranus moves opposite your sign, which is a polite way of saying that things will feel ass-backwards. You could have an unsettled feeling, as if your usual, down-to-earth style no longer suits you. As Uranus journeys through sensual Pisces over the next seven years, start cultivating a more decadent attitude. Learn to schedule champagne brunches with clients. Adopt strenuous sex as a fitness regimen instead of dull aerobics class. If you’re continuing your education, balance Accounting 101 with whimsical subjects like feng shui or bonsai cultivation. Mix business with pleasure, and success can be yours.
Libra: Lately, you’ve been feeling like a star forced to attend yet another awards show (yawn), or a barista making his 3000th latte. Routine of any kind has grown confining. The Moon is hooking up with Saturn in whimsical Gemini, bringing about an eleventh hour rescue. Maybe Spielberg will call and insist that he needs you immediately on a movie set in Tahiti. Or that corporate recruiter could notify you that Company X, with the excellent benefits, killer work hours, and drop dead gorgeous boss is eager to hire you at an unbelievable salary. (Pinch me. I must be dreaming.)
Scorpio: Juno, the asteroid of relationship fidelity, is going retrograde in your sign. This means that, just when you had gotten comfortable with a current relationship, you could have a dose of panic. You specialize in paranoia, anyway, but don’t make a 911 call to Dr. Phil just yet. You’re not Lisa-Marie Presley and Nicholas Cage or Billy Bob Thorton and Angelina Jolie. Things haven’t yet reached the place of no return. Sure, your romance might need a little tweaking, but a nice bottle of cabernet, some massage oil, and a seductive CD could work wonders.
Sagittarius: A social climber has always lived inside of you. You envied Marla Maples (back when she was still married to The Donald.) And you’ve long admired Tom Arnold’s approach to success (“Bed the fat woman and get a career out of it.”) This week, the Sun is square networker Pluto, skewing your ability to form helpful contacts. If you’re not careful, Robert Blake will call for a date or O.J. Simpson might decide that you are the gorgeous blonde he has been looking for all of his life. Invest in running shoes and get out of a fishy situation, fast.
Capricorn: Since Mars moved into your sign, you’ve been ready to serve up a big can of whoopass on somebody. You want to rip that arrogant boss a new bunghole, or you’re eager to bomb somebody back to the Stone Age. But with a sensitive Moon opposite Mars, it’s best to consider how the other guy feels. Maybe your boss only acts like a prick because he is lacking one of his own. Or perhaps that overseas nation isn’t really as heavily armed with weapons of mass destruction as the pundits would have you believe. Temper severity with compassion.
Aquarius: As a sign who possesses strong intuition, you’re always clued into cosmic vibes. You can predict Oscar winners with ease. You always know which team will kick butt at the Super Bowl. And you have an uncanny ability to sense when a lover is about to lob one of those dangerous questions your way (“Do these bellbottoms make me look fat?” “You like listening to John Tesh as much as I do, right?”) With Venus conjunct Neptune, your psychic abilities will be magnified times ten. Just go ahead and change your name to Miss Cleo or Jonathan Edward already.
Pisces: This week, Uranus enters your sign, which sounds more painful than it really is. You’ll feel more confident than ever that your grand plans will come to fruition. Surely, you’ll soon find an investor to back your magnificent business plan. (After all, selling belly button lint over the Internet is a can’t-miss concept!) And, even if your last date was back when Michael Jackson had a normal nose, you’ll realize that you still possess considerable charms. (Who can resist a dating profile that lists “orchid collecting” and “badger sniffing” as favorite hobbies?) A positive attitude is everything.
Jennifer Shepherd (astrologywriter@comcast.net) believes that boring horoscopes pose the greatest risk to national security.
(Editor's note: She also believes that people who are humor-impaired should be regarded as "persons of interest," i.e., suspicious characters.)
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Astrology Tidbits for July 9 - July 14, 2003
Since I don’t have space in my weekly syndicated column to go into much depth about astrology stuff, I thought I’d include some bits and pieces here as interesting things come up.
Right now, a group of planets are having a conversation in the Water sign of Cancer. The Sun, Mercury, and Venus will all be in this sign until July 14, when Mercury moves on to Leo.
Triple doses of Water are tough on Fire signs. If you’re an Aries, Leo, or Sagittarius, you’re probably feeling a little soggy. So much Water tends to dampen your spirits and make you question whether everything is going to work out okay or if you need to make a drastic change. But it’s too soon to join the Peace Corps and move to Nepal. And avoid eloping with dank and dusty strangers you meet in bars out of sheer desperation. Forget shaving your head. Take a deep breath, and don’t press the Panic button.
After the 14th, as everything starts to move into Fire sign Leo, you’ll have a new lease on life. Until then, cultivate an unapologetic laziness. Practice sipping champagne mimosas or rum punches by the pool until you’re an expert at it. Devour fluffy chick lit like The Devil Wears Prada or lose yourself in the adrenalized plot of a John Grisham book. You know that calm you feel after a thunderstorm passes through? That’s what you’ll be experiencing in a week or two. (Promise. You can hold me to it.)
You Earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn) and Air signs (Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius) will be feeling introspective now. Take this time to get your thoughts together. Figure out what you really want to be when you grow up. The truth, should you uncover it, might be a bit of a surprise. You could find that, instead of majoring in accounting, you really want to start your own tattoo parlor. Or maybe, instead of servicing computers for a living, you’ll launch your own dating services for people with unusual talents. (You never know. Cloggers.com or Lollipoplovers.net could become popular online gathering places.)
Water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces) will be coasting through the next week, surfing some groovy cosmic waves. Enjoy a break from your cares. You deserve it, because you’ve been working your butt off since last March.
Report back to me on your progress: astrologywriter@comcast.net
Since I don’t have space in my weekly syndicated column to go into much depth about astrology stuff, I thought I’d include some bits and pieces here as interesting things come up.
Right now, a group of planets are having a conversation in the Water sign of Cancer. The Sun, Mercury, and Venus will all be in this sign until July 14, when Mercury moves on to Leo.
Triple doses of Water are tough on Fire signs. If you’re an Aries, Leo, or Sagittarius, you’re probably feeling a little soggy. So much Water tends to dampen your spirits and make you question whether everything is going to work out okay or if you need to make a drastic change. But it’s too soon to join the Peace Corps and move to Nepal. And avoid eloping with dank and dusty strangers you meet in bars out of sheer desperation. Forget shaving your head. Take a deep breath, and don’t press the Panic button.
After the 14th, as everything starts to move into Fire sign Leo, you’ll have a new lease on life. Until then, cultivate an unapologetic laziness. Practice sipping champagne mimosas or rum punches by the pool until you’re an expert at it. Devour fluffy chick lit like The Devil Wears Prada or lose yourself in the adrenalized plot of a John Grisham book. You know that calm you feel after a thunderstorm passes through? That’s what you’ll be experiencing in a week or two. (Promise. You can hold me to it.)
You Earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn) and Air signs (Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius) will be feeling introspective now. Take this time to get your thoughts together. Figure out what you really want to be when you grow up. The truth, should you uncover it, might be a bit of a surprise. You could find that, instead of majoring in accounting, you really want to start your own tattoo parlor. Or maybe, instead of servicing computers for a living, you’ll launch your own dating services for people with unusual talents. (You never know. Cloggers.com or Lollipoplovers.net could become popular online gathering places.)
Water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces) will be coasting through the next week, surfing some groovy cosmic waves. Enjoy a break from your cares. You deserve it, because you’ve been working your butt off since last March.
Report back to me on your progress: astrologywriter@comcast.net
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
An Introduction
Welcome to the world of a humorist/astrologer/mystic chick. (I bet you didn’t even know that such a species even existed! What, you never watch The Nature Channel?)
We are somewhat of an endangered species. The minute that someone has the gall to talk about psychic abilities, astrological tidbits, or spiritual techniques, people tend to react to her in one of two ways:
1) “Eek! She has cooties!” or
2) “Ohh, she must be a goddess. Let me lick her toes and prostrate myself to this guru so that I can become enlightened.”
The alleged psychic person (who is probably pretty damned sensitive in the first place) will usually run for the hills and bury her head in the sand, never to be heard from again. After all, who wants to go around feeling like a leper just because she dares to assert that the sixth sense is real? (Actually, we have more than six senses. . . more on that later.) And who wants to deal with all the pressure of being thought to be an infallible guru, since none of us are perfect, and the truth is bound to get out, sooner or later! (I mean, I’m still trying to put some distance between me and those unfortunate Riverdance lessons. . . )
Suffice it to say that 1) I do not have cooties (at least, my latest checkup turned out okay) and 2) I am not on the path of becoming anybody’s guru (much as it might be pleasant to have my toes licked from time to time.)
I will not be using this blog as a platform to reveal The Ultimate Answer to Everything.
Unless I’m in the mood to. And then you’ll have the choice of reading it or moving on to other worthwhile projects, like, say, downloading the latest Sims celebrity and making him or her do naughty things by the virtual pool. (Hey, I don’t care how you get your entertainment. That’s your business.)
One of my current projects is an unconventional astrology column that I self-syndicate. In the year or so since “The Cosmic Butt Kick” debuted, it has spread (like a virus, my critics tell me) to reach over 700,000 readers. This sassy feature combines snarky pop cultural commentary, potty humor, and real astrology in one randy, bohemian mix. In some of the places that it is published, it is called, “The Cosmic Informer.” (This happens in regions where an editor is antsy about using the word “butt” in a title. I’ve never understood that reasoning. I mean, the editors have butts, right? Isn’t the butt one of those universal things that all of us can identify with? Don’t these editors sit down each day on their tookus like everybody else?)
In part, this blog has been created to reach those readers, although I also welcome more accidental, “synchronistic” visitors. If you were looking for another sort of “Cosmic Butt” and ended up here by mistake, I urge you to stick around for a bit. Afterwards, you can still check out the Jennifer Lopez site.
I plan to make frequent, funky, and possibly insightful entries. As blogger.com is going through some changes, there could be some growing pains along the way. But let me extend an official handshake to all of you who might be reading this now and say, “Welcome to the cosmic part-ee!”
You can currently find “The Cosmic Butt Kick” in places like Las Vegas City Life; Access Atlanta; and Snitch (of Louisville, Kentucky). Each of these weekly arts newspapers publishes the shorter version of my column. You can read it online here:
http://www.snitch.com/cat_horoscopes.html
Comments, pot shots, and general weird inquiries expected at: astrologywriter@comcast.net
Welcome to the world of a humorist/astrologer/mystic chick. (I bet you didn’t even know that such a species even existed! What, you never watch The Nature Channel?)
We are somewhat of an endangered species. The minute that someone has the gall to talk about psychic abilities, astrological tidbits, or spiritual techniques, people tend to react to her in one of two ways:
1) “Eek! She has cooties!” or
2) “Ohh, she must be a goddess. Let me lick her toes and prostrate myself to this guru so that I can become enlightened.”
The alleged psychic person (who is probably pretty damned sensitive in the first place) will usually run for the hills and bury her head in the sand, never to be heard from again. After all, who wants to go around feeling like a leper just because she dares to assert that the sixth sense is real? (Actually, we have more than six senses. . . more on that later.) And who wants to deal with all the pressure of being thought to be an infallible guru, since none of us are perfect, and the truth is bound to get out, sooner or later! (I mean, I’m still trying to put some distance between me and those unfortunate Riverdance lessons. . . )
Suffice it to say that 1) I do not have cooties (at least, my latest checkup turned out okay) and 2) I am not on the path of becoming anybody’s guru (much as it might be pleasant to have my toes licked from time to time.)
I will not be using this blog as a platform to reveal The Ultimate Answer to Everything.
Unless I’m in the mood to. And then you’ll have the choice of reading it or moving on to other worthwhile projects, like, say, downloading the latest Sims celebrity and making him or her do naughty things by the virtual pool. (Hey, I don’t care how you get your entertainment. That’s your business.)
One of my current projects is an unconventional astrology column that I self-syndicate. In the year or so since “The Cosmic Butt Kick” debuted, it has spread (like a virus, my critics tell me) to reach over 700,000 readers. This sassy feature combines snarky pop cultural commentary, potty humor, and real astrology in one randy, bohemian mix. In some of the places that it is published, it is called, “The Cosmic Informer.” (This happens in regions where an editor is antsy about using the word “butt” in a title. I’ve never understood that reasoning. I mean, the editors have butts, right? Isn’t the butt one of those universal things that all of us can identify with? Don’t these editors sit down each day on their tookus like everybody else?)
In part, this blog has been created to reach those readers, although I also welcome more accidental, “synchronistic” visitors. If you were looking for another sort of “Cosmic Butt” and ended up here by mistake, I urge you to stick around for a bit. Afterwards, you can still check out the Jennifer Lopez site.
I plan to make frequent, funky, and possibly insightful entries. As blogger.com is going through some changes, there could be some growing pains along the way. But let me extend an official handshake to all of you who might be reading this now and say, “Welcome to the cosmic part-ee!”
You can currently find “The Cosmic Butt Kick” in places like Las Vegas City Life; Access Atlanta; and Snitch (of Louisville, Kentucky). Each of these weekly arts newspapers publishes the shorter version of my column. You can read it online here:
http://www.snitch.com/cat_horoscopes.html
Comments, pot shots, and general weird inquiries expected at: astrologywriter@comcast.net
