Friday, November 21, 2003
Some Secrets Nobody Will Tell You About Astrology
I thought it would be fun to share some little-known facts about astrologers here, for the benefit of readers who think that a) astrologers are demonic pond scum aligned with the devil; b) astrologers are full of horse doo-doo; and/or c) astrologers are in about the same league as lawyers, doctors, and telemarketers - namely, that they should be avoided if at all possible.
(By the way, all three of the above are often right. I'm not going to defend colleagues of mine who are, in fact, actively collaborating with dark occult forces, bad at what they do, and/or generally bent on squeezing money out of their clients. Personally, I think that all of these types should be rounded up and forced to watch Britney Spears videos until their eyes bleed.)
A few quick facts:
1) Anybody can say that he is an astrologer. Your half-blind, arthritic, diaper-wearing bulldog could set up shop as an astrologer, and nobody would be able to prove that he wasn’t one.
2) There are certification programs for astrologers. The best-known (and most-respected) is offered through an organization known as the Federation of Astrologers, which has chapters in almost every country. Members are required to pass tests on their astrology know-how, mostly on technical stuff like understanding the angular relationships of the planets (sextiles, conjunctions, and so forth) and what each of the twelve houses mean in astrology (these are to be found in a person’s birth chart.)
3) Many really bad, inept, and creepy astrologers are part of this organization.
4) I’m not in it. As Woody Allen said (who, in turn, was quoting Groucho Marx,) “I wouldn’t join any organization that would have me as a member.” Or something like that. I’ve never been much for clubs. They usually involve boring requirements, such as volunteering to bake tuna casseroles for the next monthly meeting or holding bake sales that involve hideous shoofly pies. I don’t like this stuff.
5) There are a lot of really great astrologers in the Federation. Many of them are listed at a site called www.stariq.com. Check it out. There are numerous cool astrology updates there on the happenings of the planets, too, written by a pool of experienced astrologers.
I always think that The Federation of Astrologers sounds a lot like The Justice League of America. Remember that group of comic book superheroes? I’ll answer one free question for you about your work goings-on, relationship melodramas, or another topic if you can send me a list of all of the comic book superheroes who were in that group, as long as you agree to let me post the response here. (Warning: humor and snottiness may be involved on my part.)
Just send me your name (or alias,) your time and date of birth, your question, and the list of superheroes. The first person who sends me all of this will get a shortie astrology forecast in a future post here.
astrologywriter@comcast.net
I thought it would be fun to share some little-known facts about astrologers here, for the benefit of readers who think that a) astrologers are demonic pond scum aligned with the devil; b) astrologers are full of horse doo-doo; and/or c) astrologers are in about the same league as lawyers, doctors, and telemarketers - namely, that they should be avoided if at all possible.
(By the way, all three of the above are often right. I'm not going to defend colleagues of mine who are, in fact, actively collaborating with dark occult forces, bad at what they do, and/or generally bent on squeezing money out of their clients. Personally, I think that all of these types should be rounded up and forced to watch Britney Spears videos until their eyes bleed.)
A few quick facts:
1) Anybody can say that he is an astrologer. Your half-blind, arthritic, diaper-wearing bulldog could set up shop as an astrologer, and nobody would be able to prove that he wasn’t one.
2) There are certification programs for astrologers. The best-known (and most-respected) is offered through an organization known as the Federation of Astrologers, which has chapters in almost every country. Members are required to pass tests on their astrology know-how, mostly on technical stuff like understanding the angular relationships of the planets (sextiles, conjunctions, and so forth) and what each of the twelve houses mean in astrology (these are to be found in a person’s birth chart.)
3) Many really bad, inept, and creepy astrologers are part of this organization.
4) I’m not in it. As Woody Allen said (who, in turn, was quoting Groucho Marx,) “I wouldn’t join any organization that would have me as a member.” Or something like that. I’ve never been much for clubs. They usually involve boring requirements, such as volunteering to bake tuna casseroles for the next monthly meeting or holding bake sales that involve hideous shoofly pies. I don’t like this stuff.
5) There are a lot of really great astrologers in the Federation. Many of them are listed at a site called www.stariq.com. Check it out. There are numerous cool astrology updates there on the happenings of the planets, too, written by a pool of experienced astrologers.
I always think that The Federation of Astrologers sounds a lot like The Justice League of America. Remember that group of comic book superheroes? I’ll answer one free question for you about your work goings-on, relationship melodramas, or another topic if you can send me a list of all of the comic book superheroes who were in that group, as long as you agree to let me post the response here. (Warning: humor and snottiness may be involved on my part.)
Just send me your name (or alias,) your time and date of birth, your question, and the list of superheroes. The first person who sends me all of this will get a shortie astrology forecast in a future post here.
astrologywriter@comcast.net
Friday, November 14, 2003
Letter from a Reader
This just in from a reader:
Why is the Libra horoscope so snotty?
Name Withheld
Dear Name Withheld,
I'm not sure if you were asking why this week's Libran horoscope is "snotty" or if you meant to cast aspersions on all of my Libran horoscopes, calling all of them "snotty."
Either way, it doesn't really matter.
My weekly syndicated column is called "The Cosmic Butt Kick." The title itself should function as a "buyer beware." Namely, if you're not ready to take a lickin', don't be a-readin.'
This week's Libran horoscope reads:
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): The Hooters restaurant chain has created a hip-hop group called UC3. Scantily clad server to scantily clad singer - it's a natural progression. And you weren't surprised that Madonna seduces Britney in Brit's new video, "Me Against the Music." As lusty Venus has been teaching you, certain things are inevitable. In your relationship, you're getting used to the melodrama. All you need at this point is to bare your midriff and jiggle.
In this horoscope, I attempted to make a comparison between certain inevitable pop cultural trends (i.e., Hooters creating its own girl group, Madonna and Britney tarting it up together) and some recent dramatic ups and downs in Libra's personal life. In stating "All you need at this point is to bare your midriff and jiggle," I was pointing out that it's best to join in with the madness, have fun with it, make the most of it.
This might not have been perfectly clear, but that's what I was going for.
It's also possible you saw one of the shortened or edited versions of my horoscopes, and something may have gotten lost in the translation. Some places publish a longer version, others publish a shorter one, and some places publish a very very short version, with frequent edits of my material. I don't have any control over this.
But if it's my tone you're objecting to, and you think it's "snotty," then, cool!
Here's to more snot! Long live the snot!
I don’t write horoscopes for your grandmother. I don't hold hands, kiss up, or try to make friends when I write my horoscopes. These are no-holds-barred riffs on how our lives are often ludicrous, just like many of our favorite pop stars, politicians, and public figures can be ludicrous.
I am proud to take equal pot shots at each of the signs. I don't single out Librans in particular. Everybody receives his own Butt Kick, sooner or later.
And, with over 2.2 million readers, The Cosmic Butt Kick is starting to make its mark.
(If that boo-boo smarts too much, you might want to put some Bactine on it.)
astrologywriter@comcast.net
This just in from a reader:
Why is the Libra horoscope so snotty?
Name Withheld
Dear Name Withheld,
I'm not sure if you were asking why this week's Libran horoscope is "snotty" or if you meant to cast aspersions on all of my Libran horoscopes, calling all of them "snotty."
Either way, it doesn't really matter.
My weekly syndicated column is called "The Cosmic Butt Kick." The title itself should function as a "buyer beware." Namely, if you're not ready to take a lickin', don't be a-readin.'
This week's Libran horoscope reads:
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): The Hooters restaurant chain has created a hip-hop group called UC3. Scantily clad server to scantily clad singer - it's a natural progression. And you weren't surprised that Madonna seduces Britney in Brit's new video, "Me Against the Music." As lusty Venus has been teaching you, certain things are inevitable. In your relationship, you're getting used to the melodrama. All you need at this point is to bare your midriff and jiggle.
In this horoscope, I attempted to make a comparison between certain inevitable pop cultural trends (i.e., Hooters creating its own girl group, Madonna and Britney tarting it up together) and some recent dramatic ups and downs in Libra's personal life. In stating "All you need at this point is to bare your midriff and jiggle," I was pointing out that it's best to join in with the madness, have fun with it, make the most of it.
This might not have been perfectly clear, but that's what I was going for.
It's also possible you saw one of the shortened or edited versions of my horoscopes, and something may have gotten lost in the translation. Some places publish a longer version, others publish a shorter one, and some places publish a very very short version, with frequent edits of my material. I don't have any control over this.
But if it's my tone you're objecting to, and you think it's "snotty," then, cool!
Here's to more snot! Long live the snot!
I don’t write horoscopes for your grandmother. I don't hold hands, kiss up, or try to make friends when I write my horoscopes. These are no-holds-barred riffs on how our lives are often ludicrous, just like many of our favorite pop stars, politicians, and public figures can be ludicrous.
I am proud to take equal pot shots at each of the signs. I don't single out Librans in particular. Everybody receives his own Butt Kick, sooner or later.
And, with over 2.2 million readers, The Cosmic Butt Kick is starting to make its mark.
(If that boo-boo smarts too much, you might want to put some Bactine on it.)
astrologywriter@comcast.net
Friday, November 07, 2003
Phoenix Dream
I want to share a dream that I had about two weeks ago. In it, I looked up in the trees outside my house and noticed that a flock of unusual birds had suddenly swept into the area, landing up high in the trees. As I watched them, I noticed that they were odd, beautiful things with fluffy white feathers. They seemed like a rare and ornate species, unlike anything I'd ever seen before.
As I stood there, trying to figure out what they were, I suddenly saw all of these little fireballs and flashes of fire coming down from the trees. This was startling but not scary, necessarily. It was more like finding yourself in the middle of a firecracker show, with a pyrotechnics display showering down sparks all around you.
I felt a sense of exhilaration and anticipation, as if something important was going on.
As I continued to watch, I noticed that something strange was happening to the birds. It was like they were being consumed in their own flame, their bodies disappearing in flashes of fire. This didn't seem gruesome or sad. It was more amazing than anything else.
A kind-looking, elderly man, who reminded me a bit of the white wizard Dumbledore in Harry Potter, was standing off to the side watching the proceedings. I went over to him to ask him what was going on. He was smiling, as if what was happening was a good thing.
I asked him, "Is the magical realm colliding with this one?"
And he said, "No. The material realm is speeding up to catch the magical realm."
The point being that there was apparently some shift of dimensions going on, with the mundane world intersecting more with the magical plane.
The dream ended with the two of us standing there amidst the sparks and the fireballs, smiles on our faces.
A lot of people have been saying that the upcoming alignment of planets in the Star of David formation on the 8th will cause just such an event, a gateway to higher levels of consciousness opening up on the planet. (See more on that in blog entry below.) The effects will supposedly be strongest from Saturday the 8th at 8:20 p.m., when the alignment and a lunar eclipse happen, through the 11th. But many metaphysical people are also talking about the energy being felt for the rest of the month, up until the solar eclipse at 5:50 p.m. on Sunday the 23rd.
To be honest, I didn't even know about this particular alignment of six planets when I had this dream about the mystical birds. (It's funny, I write a weekly astrology column, but I hadn't noticed this alignment coming up. Probably because it's an alignment of five planets plus the comet, Chiron, functioning here as a six planet, and I tend to ignore Chiron stuff. There's a lot of debate in the astrological community about the importance of Chiron. Let's just say that the jury is still out on that one.)
It's also interesting that I dreamt of all of that fire coming down, and, a few days later, the California fires happened. My dreams often clue me in about events on the world scene in a sly way like this. It's frustrating, because I can't act on the dreams in a way that would help anyone. They seem to be more like CNN, only a few days in advance.
When I woke up, I realized that the birds in the dream might have been phoenixes, those mythical birds known to consume themselves in flame, only to be reborn from their own ashes. In metaphysical circles, the phoenix is considered a harbinger of powerful, life-transforming, events.
In this case, I'd venture a guess and say that the dream was about higher dimensions being opened up, so that the average person, who might not consider himself particularly spiritual or into any of "that stuff," can more readily access feelings of joy, mystical awareness, and connection with the loving power of God/Goddess/The Big Cheese/whatever.
I'd say it's all GOOD. Whatever is going on, chances are that we will be growing and expanding our awareness, and, hey, we need it.
astrologywriter@comcast.net
I want to share a dream that I had about two weeks ago. In it, I looked up in the trees outside my house and noticed that a flock of unusual birds had suddenly swept into the area, landing up high in the trees. As I watched them, I noticed that they were odd, beautiful things with fluffy white feathers. They seemed like a rare and ornate species, unlike anything I'd ever seen before.
As I stood there, trying to figure out what they were, I suddenly saw all of these little fireballs and flashes of fire coming down from the trees. This was startling but not scary, necessarily. It was more like finding yourself in the middle of a firecracker show, with a pyrotechnics display showering down sparks all around you.
I felt a sense of exhilaration and anticipation, as if something important was going on.
As I continued to watch, I noticed that something strange was happening to the birds. It was like they were being consumed in their own flame, their bodies disappearing in flashes of fire. This didn't seem gruesome or sad. It was more amazing than anything else.
A kind-looking, elderly man, who reminded me a bit of the white wizard Dumbledore in Harry Potter, was standing off to the side watching the proceedings. I went over to him to ask him what was going on. He was smiling, as if what was happening was a good thing.
I asked him, "Is the magical realm colliding with this one?"
And he said, "No. The material realm is speeding up to catch the magical realm."
The point being that there was apparently some shift of dimensions going on, with the mundane world intersecting more with the magical plane.
The dream ended with the two of us standing there amidst the sparks and the fireballs, smiles on our faces.
A lot of people have been saying that the upcoming alignment of planets in the Star of David formation on the 8th will cause just such an event, a gateway to higher levels of consciousness opening up on the planet. (See more on that in blog entry below.) The effects will supposedly be strongest from Saturday the 8th at 8:20 p.m., when the alignment and a lunar eclipse happen, through the 11th. But many metaphysical people are also talking about the energy being felt for the rest of the month, up until the solar eclipse at 5:50 p.m. on Sunday the 23rd.
To be honest, I didn't even know about this particular alignment of six planets when I had this dream about the mystical birds. (It's funny, I write a weekly astrology column, but I hadn't noticed this alignment coming up. Probably because it's an alignment of five planets plus the comet, Chiron, functioning here as a six planet, and I tend to ignore Chiron stuff. There's a lot of debate in the astrological community about the importance of Chiron. Let's just say that the jury is still out on that one.)
It's also interesting that I dreamt of all of that fire coming down, and, a few days later, the California fires happened. My dreams often clue me in about events on the world scene in a sly way like this. It's frustrating, because I can't act on the dreams in a way that would help anyone. They seem to be more like CNN, only a few days in advance.
When I woke up, I realized that the birds in the dream might have been phoenixes, those mythical birds known to consume themselves in flame, only to be reborn from their own ashes. In metaphysical circles, the phoenix is considered a harbinger of powerful, life-transforming, events.
In this case, I'd venture a guess and say that the dream was about higher dimensions being opened up, so that the average person, who might not consider himself particularly spiritual or into any of "that stuff," can more readily access feelings of joy, mystical awareness, and connection with the loving power of God/Goddess/The Big Cheese/whatever.
I'd say it's all GOOD. Whatever is going on, chances are that we will be growing and expanding our awareness, and, hey, we need it.
astrologywriter@comcast.net
Sunday, November 02, 2003
The End of the World as We Know It?
To steal a line from REM, many New Age types are breathlessly awaiting the alignment of six planets (well, five planets and the comet, Chiron) in a six-pointed Star of David formation that will be occurring November 8th, along with a full moon and a lunar eclipse. The effects of this formation are predicted to be strongest from the 8th through the 11th.
Now, I'm advising my readers not to get their knickers in a twist about this. (Unless you enjoy cosmic wedgies.) There's no need to panic. This will NOT be the end of the world.
Neither, in my opinion, should you cavort about joyfully, awaiting the Mother Ship to beam you up and transport you to a utopian reality. Sorry. "Believers" are NOT going to be ascending to a different dimension. So put your spacesuit away.
I'm a bit jaded about these so-called "sacred geometrical patterns" when they form in the sky, probably because I've lived through enough of them to see that the hard-core New Agers ALWAYS use these things as an "escape hatch," hoping that this particular alignment will help them to finally a) meet their space brothers and sisters b) escape from the harsher realities of life in the material realm and/or c) become annointed as special "royalty," appointed as official guardians of the Earth. "I have been channeling the Great Zoosh for fifteen years, and he has now confirmed that I am to become head of the Council of Earthkeepers," yada yada yada.
And yes, there is a man out in Arizona who channels Zoosh. (Whoever he is. Really, just a discarnate entity messing with the guy's head, as are all of the other channeled beings.)
I have found that, if you want to talk to God, the angels, Jesus, or any other divine types, you do what you do when you want to call up your best buddy. You call them up and engage in dialogue. No channeling or out of body experience required. No entity should be taking over your vocal chords or controlling your body. If you allow this to happen, know that you're not likely to be dialing up one of the "good guys."
Now, back to this six-pointed star pattern. You can read one person's esoteric explanation for what is about to take place here:
http://www.1one1.ca/gcl/concord/article.html
There are also lots of other New Age sites talking about it.
I advise you to approach their predictions like you would a margarita or a bag of pretzels: with more than a grain of salt.
In spring of 2000, these same types were ecstatic because of a unique alignment of planets in the sign of Taurus, the likes of which hadn't been observed on Earth for thousands of years. Surely, this must mark the beginning of a new age of enlightenment ? Either that, or our total annihilation was imminent. (It always has to be one or the other with these characters....the end of the world or the dawning of a New Age. Why can't we have something in between, like a modest improvement in the state of world affairs, a proliferation of politeness, and, say, a decent tax cut or something? Why must it always be this extreme stuff?)
Believing in extremes means you are navigating a foot path of dangerous thoughts. It consumes emotional and mental energy, putting you in a constant state of anxious anticipation. Meanwhile, little tasks like paying the bills, being a responsible citizen, and allowing yourself to remain emotionally connected to loved ones can be abandoned. Who has time to walk the dog when the end of the world is coming? Why even show up for work in the morning, if the spaceships/the terrorists/the weather catastrophes are due to arrive?
If I sound harsh, it's for good reason. I've deprogrammed enough cult members to have witnessed, first-hand, how people too often hand away their spiritual sovereignty for a quick fix. If the world's ending, then you don't have to do anything. Just sit back and enjoy the conflagration.
Myself, I can tell you that this configuration of planets may well cause heightened feelings of emotional distress -- or joy, depending on how balanced your nervous system is. If you haven't detoxed for a while, you might need a good round of sweaty panic to release some ick from your body. However, a trip to the gym would be less painful than an all-out panic attack. To stay ahead of the game, get sweating, in one form or another!
The recent solar flares are also stirring people up, increasing those feelings of restlessness that we can all fall victim to. Why, oh why, won't Johnny ask me to the prom/that company hire me/those ten pounds fall of my butt, where they stubbornly took up residence during the last presidential election?
I encourage you to take a cue from Arthur Dent, one of the characters in Douglas Adams' brilliant science fiction series, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. In the series, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was a huge collection of data that had been assembled, covering all of the planets in creation, their inhabitants, and where to find a killer cocktail. This information was packaged in a small, hand-held device that had a nice, red button on the front labeled: Don't Panic.
(It was red, wasn't it? Correct me if I've got it wrong, Hitchhiker fans.)
Anyhoo, from November 8th through the 11th, you may well be releasing some pent-up fears, passions, or frustrations, but this needn't be a bad thing. Look at this as a unique opportunity to press your spiritual "Re-set" button, do a system purge, and make a fresh start.
And, most importantly, Don't Panic.
astrologywriter@comcast.net
To steal a line from REM, many New Age types are breathlessly awaiting the alignment of six planets (well, five planets and the comet, Chiron) in a six-pointed Star of David formation that will be occurring November 8th, along with a full moon and a lunar eclipse. The effects of this formation are predicted to be strongest from the 8th through the 11th.
Now, I'm advising my readers not to get their knickers in a twist about this. (Unless you enjoy cosmic wedgies.) There's no need to panic. This will NOT be the end of the world.
Neither, in my opinion, should you cavort about joyfully, awaiting the Mother Ship to beam you up and transport you to a utopian reality. Sorry. "Believers" are NOT going to be ascending to a different dimension. So put your spacesuit away.
I'm a bit jaded about these so-called "sacred geometrical patterns" when they form in the sky, probably because I've lived through enough of them to see that the hard-core New Agers ALWAYS use these things as an "escape hatch," hoping that this particular alignment will help them to finally a) meet their space brothers and sisters b) escape from the harsher realities of life in the material realm and/or c) become annointed as special "royalty," appointed as official guardians of the Earth. "I have been channeling the Great Zoosh for fifteen years, and he has now confirmed that I am to become head of the Council of Earthkeepers," yada yada yada.
And yes, there is a man out in Arizona who channels Zoosh. (Whoever he is. Really, just a discarnate entity messing with the guy's head, as are all of the other channeled beings.)
I have found that, if you want to talk to God, the angels, Jesus, or any other divine types, you do what you do when you want to call up your best buddy. You call them up and engage in dialogue. No channeling or out of body experience required. No entity should be taking over your vocal chords or controlling your body. If you allow this to happen, know that you're not likely to be dialing up one of the "good guys."
Now, back to this six-pointed star pattern. You can read one person's esoteric explanation for what is about to take place here:
http://www.1one1.ca/gcl/concord/article.html
There are also lots of other New Age sites talking about it.
I advise you to approach their predictions like you would a margarita or a bag of pretzels: with more than a grain of salt.
In spring of 2000, these same types were ecstatic because of a unique alignment of planets in the sign of Taurus, the likes of which hadn't been observed on Earth for thousands of years. Surely, this must mark the beginning of a new age of enlightenment ? Either that, or our total annihilation was imminent. (It always has to be one or the other with these characters....the end of the world or the dawning of a New Age. Why can't we have something in between, like a modest improvement in the state of world affairs, a proliferation of politeness, and, say, a decent tax cut or something? Why must it always be this extreme stuff?)
Believing in extremes means you are navigating a foot path of dangerous thoughts. It consumes emotional and mental energy, putting you in a constant state of anxious anticipation. Meanwhile, little tasks like paying the bills, being a responsible citizen, and allowing yourself to remain emotionally connected to loved ones can be abandoned. Who has time to walk the dog when the end of the world is coming? Why even show up for work in the morning, if the spaceships/the terrorists/the weather catastrophes are due to arrive?
If I sound harsh, it's for good reason. I've deprogrammed enough cult members to have witnessed, first-hand, how people too often hand away their spiritual sovereignty for a quick fix. If the world's ending, then you don't have to do anything. Just sit back and enjoy the conflagration.
Myself, I can tell you that this configuration of planets may well cause heightened feelings of emotional distress -- or joy, depending on how balanced your nervous system is. If you haven't detoxed for a while, you might need a good round of sweaty panic to release some ick from your body. However, a trip to the gym would be less painful than an all-out panic attack. To stay ahead of the game, get sweating, in one form or another!
The recent solar flares are also stirring people up, increasing those feelings of restlessness that we can all fall victim to. Why, oh why, won't Johnny ask me to the prom/that company hire me/those ten pounds fall of my butt, where they stubbornly took up residence during the last presidential election?
I encourage you to take a cue from Arthur Dent, one of the characters in Douglas Adams' brilliant science fiction series, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. In the series, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was a huge collection of data that had been assembled, covering all of the planets in creation, their inhabitants, and where to find a killer cocktail. This information was packaged in a small, hand-held device that had a nice, red button on the front labeled: Don't Panic.
(It was red, wasn't it? Correct me if I've got it wrong, Hitchhiker fans.)
Anyhoo, from November 8th through the 11th, you may well be releasing some pent-up fears, passions, or frustrations, but this needn't be a bad thing. Look at this as a unique opportunity to press your spiritual "Re-set" button, do a system purge, and make a fresh start.
And, most importantly, Don't Panic.
astrologywriter@comcast.net
